Body Image

More Truth About Sex After 50

August 11, 2015 by Erica Jagger 7 Comments

Since I wrote a piece about sex after menopause, almost 100 women (and some men) have written me to share their experiences. Some of the e-mails have been agonizing to read, while others have been inspiring. What I now know about midlife sexuality is that no two women have the same story. Here’s a smattering of what I have learned:

Some women suffer silently in sexless, or near sexless, marriages due to lack of libido and vaginal atrophy
Some women report their clitorises shrinking so they lose the ability to orgasm
Some women report no change in lubrication, and a strong libido into their 60s and 70s
Some OB-GYN’s are clueless about how to help women undergoing changes in their physiology and sexual response
The women who persist in looking for solutions to their sexual problems tend to be successful
Women should keep their ovaries if they can
If you don’t “use it,” you’re more likely to “lose it”

Some of the women who have written me have health issues other than menopause impacting their sex lives. Grace, a diabetic, is one of them. I received some criticism for running Grace’s story because diabetes alters hormonal balance, an added wrinkle most post-menopausal women don’t have to face.

However, many women by mid-life have struggled with medical challenges: cancer, fibroid-induced hysterectomies, and clinical depression, to name a few. I have chosen to share these stories because I want to show a range of experiences, not just those who have been fortunate to traverse midlife without a health hitch.

Here are three stories that portray the diversity of women’s sexuality post-menopause.

Suzanne, 56

I’ve been post-menopause for about 3 years. I experienced the symptoms of vaginal atrophy almost immediately after menopause. Intercourse HURT LIKE HELL no matter how aroused I was or how much lubrication was produced naturally. It generally resulted in some minor tearing and bleeding no matter how careful my husband and I used to be.

My gynecologist did provide estrogen cream which I used for 3 or 4 months but that petered out (no pun intended) because I was tired of dealing with that gross mess it left in my underwear. Besides that, the cream is not cheap! I guess I could tell some difference in resilience of the vaginal walls while using it — but do I want to be a slave to medication the rest of my life and also see a story on the evening news some night, condemning all who have used said medication to a potential death sentence because it’s been discovered it had heretofore hidden health risks?

My libido all but disappeared in a puff of smoke. We haven’t had sex in almost a year.

My husband of 28 years is a very sweet, mild-mannered man who probably is bothered by this much more than he lets on, but my last attempt to talk to him about it was met with, “oh, don’t worry, it will happen when it happens.”

I of course feel terrible for him and guilty as hell. Any TV show that we see that includes sex, or any reference to sex elsewhere, makes me feel guilty and uncomfortable. We used to have a rollicking good sex life which has all but evaporated. I keep thinking I really should do something about this, but I don’t know what.

Helen, 78

I had a hysterectomy and oopherectomy in my late 40s because of fibroids and endometriosis. No one told me that even postmenopausal ovaries make testosterone, responsible for libido and response in women. I also lost most of my body hair, but these days women shave their pubic hair, so I guess that isn’t much of a problem. I don’t have to shave my legs or underarms anymore.

Estrogen helped with the lubrication problem, and I would think the estrogen vaginal cream would work well even for women who don’t want to take the pills. There is a drug, Covaryx, that is both estrogen and testosterone, and it is fantastic for restoring libido and sexual response. But for me it has a side effect of acne which is intolerable.

I wish there were something I could take on demand — I’m a 78-year-old widow now, but recently entered into a relationship with a guy who loves Viagra!

Some women can do postmenopausal sex just fine, but others do have problems.

My advice: hold onto your ovaries!

Lily, 55

I was in a very bad marriage and didn’t have sex between the ages of 40 and 54. My ex never had a sex drive, and, after awhile, the rejection plus many other issues made the thought of having sex with him really unappealing. While I did sometimes enjoy solitary fun, it never involved penetration.

Meanwhile, menopause happened. Then I bought ben wa balls (about 1 – 2 inches in diameter). I couldn’t get them in! And when I remembered that vaginal exams were excruciating, I started reading about vaginal atrophy and worrying about the hymen regrowing and, in general, started freaking out.

I researched vaginismus and finally went to a gynecologist. She said I didn’t have vaginismus and I could have intercourse. I told her that I hadn’t been with my husband in 14 years and she told me between menopause and the lack of sex, it wasn’t surprising that there was some vaginal atrophy. She also wrote and recommended a prescription for Vagifem, a local estrogen replacement therapy. Basically, it’s a pill-type suppository that I use 2-3 times a week at bedtime.

I started using the Vagifem and after while I was able to get the ben wa balls in.

Meanwhile, I met someone. Our first time together, I bled a little but it wasn’t too painful. To the contrary, I had many, many orgasms. Now, I continue using the Vagifem. No more bleeding and I’m “juicy” again! There are no adverse side effects and I was sensitive to them because I was a fitness freak and know that estrogen can interfere with strength gains. I also can get very wet and excited without lube, athough lube, of course, has its own benefits.

Also, I continue to be multi-orgasmic. What I want people to know is that sex post-menopause can be awesome and the HRT recommended (low dose, local) can have few or no side effects.

*All names have been changed.

*I am not a medical professional and this piece is not intended as medical advice. Please consult your physician before starting any treatment for menopausal symptoms.

If you’d like to contribute your story to this ongoing series on sex after menopause, please e-mail me at ohgoderica@aol.com.

Sandra LaMorgese’s Day At The Nude Beach

July 21, 2015 by Erica Jagger 11 Comments

Sandra LaMorgese, 59

Sandra LaMorgese is a 59-year-old holistic practitioner and professional dominatrix who appeared in a series I did on boomer women and their boudoir shoots. When she told me she was going to a nude beach for the first time, and was planning to be photographed doing it, I jumped at the chance to profile her latest foray into the land of boundary-pushing.

What gave you the idea to go to a nude beach?

A married couple I’m very good friends with have been enjoying nude beaches for some time, and after months of persuasion, they finally talked me into trying it too.

I didn’t want to go — on the contrary, the thought of being so vulnerable by exposing my “flaws and private parts” was very uncomfortable to me. I tend to wear swimsuits for two reasons: the flattering color and cut, and to strategically cover my scars and stretch marks. Would sarongs and beach wraps ever have been created if we all weren’t so ashamed of our cellulite, thick thighs, and big butts?

This is the very reason I decided to hit the surf and sand au naturale…no make-up, no hair style, and no bathing suit. I just thought that the experience would free me of the stigma of negative body image and empower me as I stepped way out of my comfort zone.

What was it like being naked in front of a bunch of strangers?

To be honest, I felt surprisingly comfortable right away. In many ways, being naked in front of strangers is much easier than being naked in front of people you know well. As soon as I dropped my sundress, I was ready to go.

Nobody was paying any attention to me and my naked body. They were doing their own thing — working on perfect lineless suntans, relaxing in the sun, setting up tents, sitting under umbrellas, enjoying picnics, or sipping cold beers.

When photographer Craig White and I were scouting out a spot to shoot down by the surf, I even approached a cute park ranger for assistance. It didn’t faze me in the least that he was head-to-toe in uniform while I was bare-ass naked.

Oddly enough, the only thing that separated the nude section from the bathing suit section of the beach was a thin wire stretched across the sand. As you may guess, many of the clothed beachgoers were sunning right up against the wire.

Was this your first time being photographed nude? Describe your feelings about the shoot.

This was my first time being photographed nude, but it was more of an implied nude shoot. I knew I was not going to be fully exposed in the finished photos, which made me very comfortable and relaxed. Craig is a skilled nude and implied-nude photographer, and he only started shooting once I was in a position of non-exposure.

Give me three words, off the top of your head, that capture the impact of this experience on you.

Empowering, vulnerable, and freeing.

Would you go to a nude beach again, or was this a one-time novelty thing?

I will without doubt go to a nude beach again. In fact, I may never go back to a clothed beach!

Any other experiences involving sexuality and body awareness on your bucket list?

I don’t currently have any specific sexuality and body awareness plans on my bucket list, but as always, I’m open to experiences that cross my path.

Sandra LaMorgese, PhD, 59, is an expert in mind, body, and spiritual holistic living. She specializes in life transformation, interpersonal communication, beauty, health, wellness, and sexual intimacy. She has worked as a holistic practitioner, and as the Director of Education for “Cures,” a wellness skin and bodycare brand. She is a metaphysician, ordained Reverend, Dominatrix, and Fetishist.

Photography by Craig White

@Whispered_Words_: My Instagram Midlife Girl Crush

July 13, 2015 by Erica Jagger 7 Comments

A couple weeks ago, I became mesmerized with 42-year-old Jodi Lewchuk’s Instagram gallery, @whispered_words_: not just by her stunning body, but by the way she captured her particular brand of sexuality. It was clear, looking at her photos, that she was the embodiment of a strong, smart, powerful woman of a certain age. So I asked her if I could feature her work on my blog. Lucky for me — and for you — she said yes.

What prompted you to start your Instagram account?

I’ve been pairing images and words for awhile over at my first Instagram account, @jodilewchuk. I’m a career editor, but writing is my first love and true passion; it’s the way I’m most adept at expressing myself. Three years ago, when I was 39, my 12-year relationship ended, and after the initial shock wore off, I realized that there were many aspects of my personality that I had either toned down or turned off altogether over the course of those years with my ex.

It was liberating to become reacquainted with, and rediscover who I was. I had been a competitive sprinter in my younger years, and I took up distance running as a way to exercise my very energetic dog, who stayed with me in the split. Training for my first marathon, which I ran the year I turned 40, transformed my body and my mind, and I began writing about that experience.

The more I ran and the more I wrote, the more I realized that limitations are self-imposed and possible to transcend. I also gained a new confidence in the strength and beauty of my body, which sparked a reawakening and whole new perception of my sexuality. Being single, I felt I needed an outlet for exploring that part of myself, and @whispered_words_ was born. I see WW as a part of my evolution into an empowered “woman of a certain age” — one who is finally living fully, passionately, sensually, with the certainty that some of the best years are to come.

What has been the response to your Instagram account? Do your friends know?

I wasn’t entirely sure what to expect when posting to this Instagram account, and the positive and enthusiastic response has been really gratifying. It’s flattering when people are complimentary about the images, of course, but what’s really delighted me is the way the audience has embraced the accompanying words, and how they complement the way I photograph myself.

Instagram is a visual medium first and foremost, so I’m always grateful when people take the time to read my poetry and prose. And when it’s clear that the words have resonated very truly, it means the a lot to me. As for my friends, to date only a very few who know me in “real life” are aware of WW.

I wanted it to be a place where I could vision myself and write in a completely free and uncensored way, and so having a semblance of anonymity seemed the best approach. That said, the few who know me both personally and WW have been incredibly supportive of it as a personal and creative project. I don’t know that it will be an endeavour I share with everyone in my life, but I’m starting to feel more comfortable with being open about it in certain contexts and circumstances.

How do you feel when you see the photos? Has it changed the way you see yourself?

Sometimes I’m still surprised when I look at my photos — in a good way! It’s perhaps the first time in my life when I look at myself and believe what I see: that I’m strong, beautiful, and desirable. Naturally only the best shots make it into my Instagram gallery, the ones where the lighting, pose, and expression are just right. But it’s still me, un-Photoshopped in those images, and if running gave me a new sense of body confidence, Instagram has only deepened that confidence. Together, my images and words have let me depict outwardly what I’ve long felt inwardly, and they also let me push my boundaries and explore different parts of myself and my sexuality.

Describe your artistic process. How do you get the ideas for your shots? What’s the technical process? Do you write the poetry before or after you take the photos?

I find inspiration for my shots everywhere — in music, art, architecture, literature, and in my own fantasies and other Instagrammers’ work. I always have a notebook on me and will jot down ideas when they pop into my head. Sometimes the image will come first and I’ll craft words to match it, and other times I’ll have written a piece I really like and will then try to devise an image that interprets the words visually. Technically my setup is pretty simple: I shoot with my iPhone and a camera timer app. It’s got a 15-second delay, which gives me time to set up my phone on my tripod and then get into position. I often shoot during a nice window for afternoon light that I get in my condo, and I try not to edit my images too much. I use black-and-white filters, as I love the monochrome look for portraits, and I’ll fiddle a bit with brightness, contrast, and highlights, but that’s about it.

Describe your sense of your body and sexuality now, at 42, compared to when you were in your 20s and 30s.

At 42 my body is the strongest and most beautiful it’s ever been — something I never would have anticipated being able to say when I was in my 20s and 30s. Even though the signs of aging are there (there’s no avoiding wrinkles and a certain amount of sag at 42), I can ask my body to perform in ways that it couldn’t when I was younger, and it’s responded by rising to the occasion. The physical capability has become, I think, inextricably linked to my evolving sense of sexuality, which I’d say is becoming more potent, spirited, and adventurous as I age. The advantage of being older is having experience — with what I like and don’t like, with what works and doesn’t work, and, most important of all, with a very clear sense of what I want. I now know what I need to feel fulfilled, and it means being open to, and making different, and better, relationship choices than I did in the past.

Where do you see yourself in ten years?

Running has taught me that anything is possible. And that’s how I feel about my future. Where I am now is not where I imagined I’d be 10 years ago. But it’s a better place than where I was. I believe that I will attract the kind of energy that I am putting out into the world, and that means I see myself living with a partner that is as passionate for life and love that I am, doing work that is fulfilling and of service, being creative, and meeting life’s challenges with strength and grace. I’m open to adventure and look forward to where life’s road will lead.

For more of Jodi’s images, and to read her words, follow @whispered_words_ on Instagram.

NSFW: Photographer Rudi Amedeus On The Privilege Of Working With Older Women

June 19, 2015 by Erica Jagger 9 Comments

Rudi Amedeus

I’m not sure how I “know” my Facebook friend, fine art photographer Rudi Amedeus. I just know that I felt captivated by the black-and-white images of women I saw on his Facebook page. So, boudoir photographer stalker that I am, I asked him to send me some of his favorite shots of mature women and to tell me what it’s like working with them. Read on for his story, and photos.

I started photographing people around 2005. First as an assistant wedding photographer to support my spouse’s photography business, later as a lighting assistant to my spouse shooting model portfolios, holding a camera and shooting “from the side.” In short time I was fascinated with female beauty and more particularly the way women see themselves in, or react to, images in a variety of settings or moods.

When the relationship with my photographer/model/make-up artist spouse dissolved, my photography focus shifted to fine art photography. I would still shoot make-up, hair and beauty with professional and aspiring models. I would still shoot fashionable dresses and made-up scenes, but what really drove me was fine-art boudoir, nude and erotic photography.

DF, 41

It didn’t happen overnight and I remember a gradual but natural maturing process on how to work with women to translate their desire for images at their comfort level. It was a journey marked by working with exceptional women.

I grew up in Europe with four younger sisters and mom instilled in me a deep respect and appreciation for women, film noir and French/Italian/American cinema. I was one of two, and later one out of six boys in a 150-girl high school. This proved to be a powerful influence still felt today.

Respect, trust, listening, demeanor, nonjudgmental … being in touch with my feminine side and trying to convert this all to a timeless B&W image portraying the impression of the moment, the strive for beauty. Somewhere in all of this, working with women of all ages, reflecting on my own aging transformation and re-found connecting-with-women freedom, I was privy to feeling the evolution and personal growth women go through when they age with somewhat distinct turning points: 25 35, 40-something, 50 and beyond.

AB, 55

More so than men, women have this innate ability to portray multiple personas sequentially, often in short time. This especially emerges when women discover that their real beauty is the acceptance of who they are, where they are in life and how they express this by their “presence” and how they hold themselves.

For me as an outside-in observing, sometimes participating photographer, it is when inner and outer beauty align that “pretty” becomes undeniable stunning “beauty.” This is also where I feel women venture out and rethink sensuality, sexuality, and what it means for them.

Growing confidence, the shredding of old, the “I no longer care about societal or any other approval,” the beginning of new-found perspectives on life or simply the continuation of what was always there in a more conscious, confident sex-appealing daring way. It invariably leads the blossoming of inner beauty with the acceptance of the outer beauty.

LM, 42

I’ve developed lasting working relationships and deep friendships with “older” non-model women I photograph during their journey of who they are and where life’s insights take them. I found the “older” women approaching me at first because of my portfolio work and portraits, my ability to connect with the subjects. Now it is mostly a matter of word of mouth.

GT, 44

Often it is simply about freezing significant moments in their ongoing self-discovery, capturing the beauty “before it all goes away” to find out there’s an aspect that needs further exploration. Or it’s a simple splurge indulgence, about capturing a series of images for none other than themselves to cherish.

GG, 44

I enjoy capturing the evolution, being part of the process through intimate discussion of what they want to get out of this process. I find it to equally be a catch-up of where we all are in life.

Seven years into this process I have material for multiple publishing projects and I’m working towards that goal to celebrate a decade as a fine art photographer. It’s a constant evolution and I hope for many more years of opportunity to be part of so many journeys.

TT, 46

See more of Rudi’s work here.

Aging Triumphantly: This 53-Year-Old Fashion Model Defies Beauty Norms

March 30, 2015 by Erica Jagger 8 Comments

Hillary Bitar, 53

I “met” 53-year-old fashion model Hillary Bitar when she commented on one of my Facebook posts. I visited her Facebook and Instagram pages and was blown away by her photos. All models are gorgeous, but few are gorgeous in ways that defy conventional standards of beauty. I love that Hillary has found career success as a silver-haired midlife woman who eschews cosmetic surgery. Her insistence on being who she is, and loving who she is, is inspiring. Read on for her story.

I have always remained true to me. The very long silver hair, perhaps my trademark, is one of the obvious signs of independence/rebellion I chose over typical beauty norms. I started going gray in my 30s and never dyed it. I always liked being unique despite enormous societal pressure on all things young.

I live in Miami and I started modeling at 50 — I’m now 53. I did some modeling as a teenager in New York City but my look was too exotic back then in the 70s when Christie Brinkley and Cheryl Tiegs were the All-American icons. I haven’t had any plastic surgery or Botox/fillers so I believe I represent what natural in your 50s looks like. I exercise daily and eat well. No diets: proper balance and portion control is key for me.

Modeling is an extraordinarily difficult business but advertisers and clients alike are slowly recognizing the importance of featuring baby boomers and their buying power.

To feature a silver-haired woman in a role other than “grandma” is still edgy, but it’s happening! I’ve done ads for everything from fitness, fashion magazines, healthcare, and even runway shows — but it’s limited, for sure. Ironically, the big trend now is for young women to dye their hair gray, so there’s hope!

My greatest compliment is to be told I’m an inspiration: for women to see it’s okay to be themselves and embrace their uniqueness. People admire my bravery in choosing what pleases me, not others. Confidence is truly sexy and very, very powerful. It’s something I try to portray in all my work images. I have no desire to look “younger,” or “perfect.” Energetic, vital, naturally sexy, and most of all secure in who I am is “me” and I think that’s ageless.

See more of Hillary on her Instagram or on Facebook.

Aging Triumphantly: This 55-Year-Old Left An Abusive Marriage And Found Her Self-Esteem

March 4, 2015 by Erica Jagger 10 Comments

Peggy, 55

It is difficult to look at this radiant 55-year-old woman and believe that she was ever lacking in self-esteem. A survivor of an abusive marriage, Peggy was gracious enough to share the story of how she rebuilt her confidence and identity as a single mom in her 40s.

I am 55 years old. I have two beautiful boys, ages 16 and 20. I have been divorced for twelve long years from a very verbally abusive relationship. I had lost all my self-esteem and it took almost nine years to get it back. This last three years has been time finding out who I am and what I love to do. I am one lucky woman to have so many friends who love me and were there through my tough years, but most of all are with me today.

I was married for eleven years to a narcissistic man and subjected to constant, daily criticism of how my body needed improvement. When we were on a trip to Cozumel, he told me to “suck in your gut.” When he walked away, a friend who overheard him said, “Did I just hear him to tell you to suck in your gut?” She was shocked.

When we were filing for divorce he told me: “You’re 43 years old with two kids, who’s going to want you?” I said, “Me! I want me back!” Those words burned in my brain and got me going.

Since then I read a few self-help books, a light daily reading. Zen And The Art Of Happiness, by Chris Prentiss, and You Can Be Happy No Matter What by Richard Carlson, PhD. I changed my thoughts about myself. I know I’m placed on this earth just as equal as anyone else.

Today, I am positive, happy, confident, and surrounded by good friends. I help people of all ages every day by choice. I enjoy putting a smile on someone’s face without even trying. There are so many people who walk around with such a gloom. Then I stop and give them a simple compliment. It is so brilliant to see a genuine smile in return.

This Midlifer Says Women Of A Certain Age Can Rock The Fitness World

February 21, 2015 by Erica Jagger 2 Comments

Jenny Heitz, 46

L.A.-based Jenny Heitz, 46, is an extreme exercise junkie. She doesn’t work out to look buff, although she is. She does it because she’s always loved movement and believes there’s no reason a woman shouldn’t take up a new sport — in her case, circus acrobatics — just because she’s over forty. Jenny created her web site, Fem40Fitness, as an extreme fitness resource for midlife women who refuse to go gently into that good night.

Who should read your site? What prompted you to create it?

Although I specifically target women over 40 who are already involved in some sort of “extreme” exercise, I think many women would find the site informative. I try to vary the posts between more educational subjects like getting enough Vitamin D and using exercise to avoid some of the pitfalls of aging like arthritis, to chatty profiles written by women who do everything from ultra running to pole dancing. My goal was to try and bring female athletes who are “middle-aged” together, since many of these pursuits are niche sports with their own tiny communities. In the end, the focus, goals, obsession, and dedication are the same, regardless of the sport you love.

What are some of the cultural messages about women, fitness, and aging that you’re challenging?

Just as there are some erroneous assumptions made about women and sexuality over a certain age, there are plenty made about very fit women over forty. It’s one thing if you’re a competitive professional athlete; then it’s your job. But if you’re a middle-aged woman who happens to adore athleticism, and engage in it constantly (as I do), you might find that you’re alternately accused of vanity or some sort of unhealthy exercise addiction. You kind of get screwed both ways, really! And while I’ve noticed that men will comment, the women engage in it as well, especially if they don’t exercise. It’s as if my habits are some sort of reproach, when really they have nothing to do with anyone else.

In reality, enjoying exercise has very little to do with how you look. If you end up with a tight, sexy little bod because of the exercise, it seems like a happy side effect, but it’s not the goal. I don’t care how much I exercise, I’m never going to look like a 20-year-old. On the other hand, I’m in better shape than most 20-year-olds; I’m certainly in better shape now than when I was 20. Hell, Madonna is in better shape than when she was 20, but now she gets flak about her “ropey” arms, as if there’s anything unseemly about having super-toned, muscular arms in your 50s. Anyone who says vanity is the reason women over a certain age work out is gravely mistaken, because we really don’t get any positive feedback.

You started Cirque School when you were 41. What got you interested in that sport? What has it done for you physically and psychologically? Was anyone worried that you were “too old” to embark on such an extreme sport?

I was a Pilates instructor for about four years before I found CSLA, and I’d done it at a very high level, more acrobatic type exercises, and once I realized I could just flip around on a trapeze instead, I was hooked. Trapeze, and circus arts generally, are like being back on a playground for me. There’s something very freeing about being able to hang upside down and swing and balance just like you did as a child.

Physically, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, mostly because you’re dealing with moves that require a great deal of strength, but also because you have the extra special factor of fear. You know: fear that you’ll fall or just make an ass out of yourself. Which, by the way, does happen. Falling as an adult, and getting back up immediately, is good practice. I see many women being very, very careful with themselves, and I think that’s a mistake because we are not hot house flowers, we are capable human beings.

I see trapeze as moving meditation. I literally cannot think of anything but exactly what I’m doing when I’m on that trap. Every problem, every petty tyranny, just melts away while I’m there. Trapeze got me through my father’s terrible death from cancer. It gave me space to clear my mind of everything, and just be in my body. Life becomes pretty simple up there!

CSLA has students ranging from 14 to over 60, so I’m not the oldest person there by any means. I’ve had some injuries along the way, but they weren’t age-related injuries, and no one has ever suggested I’m too old for the circus. I even perform in the CSLA student showcases and recitals, and that’s always an adventure.

Hypothetical: I want to get in shape but I’ve never been athletic, I’m carrying extra weight, I’m 50, and my knees are shot. What kind of exercise should I do, why, and how often?

I’m not a personal trainer, but I am a Pilates instructor, so I guess I can give my two cents. I would suggest starting out with something low-impact like Pilates, probably one on one on the apparatus if you can afford it. I might also recommend just walking at first, perhaps avoiding hills if your knees couldn’t take it. I’m a big fan of spinning for cardio and weight loss, since it’s a very efficient calorie burner, but I’d also be cautious about adding too much resistance on the bike at first, again because of the knee problems.

Mostly, though, I suggest finding something you like. Face it: if you don’t care for it, you’re never going to stick with it. Exercise should just be a part of your life, not a prescription to follow for certain health benefits. So, if you like yoga, do it. If swimming feels good, do that. Maybe being on a women’s softball team sounds fun. The best type of exercise delivers more intangible benefits than a tight butt. You might find a whole new community and group of friends, like I did.

There’s a theory that athletes are better in bed than non-athletes. What’s your response to this? True? Or propaganda espoused by athletes?

I’ve always thought that being sexy and good in bed had everything to do with confidence and generosity. Feeling physically good in your own skin goes a long way toward feeling confident in the bedroom. I guess that the literal physical benefits of being in shape, like low body weight, good cardio endurance, and strength would all stand one in good stead, but I think that theory probably applies more to men than women since men are the ones liable to have performance problems as they age.

As far as endurance goes, I’m sure that being in excellent shape plays a big role. But there’s so much more to being good in bed than that. Lance Armstrong, I’m sure, was fantastic in the sack, but that doesn’t make him any less of a duplicitous douchebag.

Which older female athletes inspire you and why?

I know a couple of over-40 serial performers who are pretty incredible. They still work constantly as well as teach, and their expertise is very inspiring to me. There’s a former CSLA student, a year older than I, who is a multiple Ironman competitor, plus she bikes and does hand balancing, partner balancing, and serial straps at a pretty advanced level. She’s just wondrous to me, although I’m sure that incredible genetics play a big role in making her such an elite athlete. These women have such physical ease and confidence, and it just spills over in a positive way.

Anything else you want people to know about Fem40Fitness that I haven’t asked?

If you’re over 40 and love to exercise at a high level, you aren’t crazy. Society has a very narrow range of acceptable behaviors for women over 40, and it’s up to you to say, screw you, I’m going to do what pleases me. I think of Fem40Fitness as a resource for women who do what they love and ignore the rule makers. Come and read, visit and comment, because women who love extreme fitness need to stick together.

Jenny Heitz is a writer and serial trapeze hobbyist in Los Angeles. She’s the editor and creator of Fem40Fitness and the design/gift site Find A Toad.

53-Year-Old Karen Talks About Her Boudoir Shoot, And How It Changed The Way She Sees Herself

February 14, 2015 by Erica Jagger 9 Comments

When I saw 53-year-old Karen’s boudoir photos in my Facebook feed, I immediately asked photographer Jen Trombly of Breathless Boudoir to put me in touch with her. In her status, Jen had mentioned that Karen had never seen herself as beautiful until her shoot, so when I wrote to Karen, I asked her to tell me how the shoot changed the way she felt about herself. I was stunned — but not surprised — to learn that she had always felt invisible. Women are so hard on themselves. We hold ourselves to an impossible standard, and completely miss what’s uniquely beautiful in each of us. Karen’s story is a wonderful example of how doing a boudoir shoot can liberate a woman from the inner critic who tells her she’s not enough.

I had thought about doing a boudoir shoot for years but I always thought I was too heavy or out of shape to do one. Now I felt I was too old. I surfed the Internet and came across Breathless Boudoir and their photos were beautiful and classy so I talked myself into it. I had recently lost some weight so I figured it was now or never! I have always felt average and invisible. Always someone else’s daughter, wife, or mother. Somewhere along the way I lost myself.

On the way there I was actually nauseated thinking about whether I could do it or not. I was not sure I could be nude in front of someone other than my husband. I was terrified that the photos would look horrible and I would look like a joke.

It turned out to be amazing. The photographers made me feel very comfortable and most of the time I didn’t even think about being naked. The photos came out stunning and I could not believe it was me in them. I actually teared up when I viewed them.

I realized that beauty and sensuality truly does come from within, how you feel about yourself. I know my body isn’t perfect. It never has been and never will be. A woman’s body is beautiful no matter what shape you are in, and you need to embrace what God has given you. I feel so much better about myself than I did before. My husband always tells me I’m beautiful, but I never believed him. I still don’t think I’m beautiful, but I’m okay with that. I am a strong, healthy woman who hopes to be a good example to my children. I am not defined by my unflat stomach and not perky breasts! I am still a very sensual being.

I am 53 years old and the mother of two daughters who I hope will one day do boudoir shoots for themselves!

Photography by Breathless Boudoir

Aging Triumphantly: 56-Year-Old Karen Talks About Feeling Sexy After Divorce

February 2, 2015 by Erica Jagger 5 Comments

Karen, 56

There are a lot of bad cultural narratives hovering in the zeitgeist that make women feel they’re past their prime. One is that being over 40 means you’re no longer desirable. Another is that divorce in midlife dooms you to a life of quiet despair. Karen, 56, proves that neither scenario is inevitable. Read on for her story.

I’m 56 years old and divorced after a long marriage. My life exploded and I lost my marriage, my home, and any thought of financial security. The upside is that crawling away from that wreckage into a new life made my stress just melt away, along with 25 pounds! The confidence I gained by finding a career and the means to support my three children seeped into everything I did, and I felt happy for the first time in a long time. And the woman who had never exercised or been athletic now enjoys kickboxing, weightlifting, and yoga. My goal is to become stronger and stronger, for myself and my kids.

My body is not perfect (no matter how much weight I’ve lost, I’ll never have a small waist again), but it’s strong and healthy. Strength and resilience are the examples I want to show my daughters.

I was inspired to buy a bikini and take this photo after I read an article in the Huffington Post about a woman over 50 who started taking sexy photos of herself in the mirror, wearing her husband’s shirt. I loved reading how empowered she felt doing that, and I thought, maybe I could be as brave. I don’t like talking about what happened to me a few years ago, I’d much rather talk about what’s ahead — and I know it will be fabulous.

49-Year-Old Jill Talks About What She Learned From Her First Naughty Photo Shoot

January 30, 2015 by Erica Jagger 15 Comments

Jill, 49

I love when readers send me their boudoir photos and share what it was like to pose for them, and how the experience affected the way they perceive themselves. Jill is one of those readers, another “sexy woman of a certain age” who proves that mature women are still sexual beings who delight in the pleasure of their bodies.

I had a boudoir shoot for my husband’s 50th birthday gift. It was the first naughty photo shoot I’d ever done and I was scared out of my mind as a 49-year-old who is a bit too short and curvy. I felt really brave while doing it, though, and this particular photo is one of the best photos I’ve ever taken. I just love it and part of me is sad that I can’t share it with the rest of the world.

My husband seemed to like the photos that came out of the shoot, but he didn’t make a huge deal out of it. I didn’t get the “wow” reaction from him that I thought I would. His reaction kind of ruined it for me. I thought I’d feel sexy and young enough to still turn heads, but instead I felt like the same old me.

I suppose what I learned is that you have to see yourself through your own eyes and not the reflection of someone else’s eyes. I shouldn’t have let my husband take away the sexy me I was feeling. I’ve also learned that sexy isn’t a body type or size or wearing a certain outfit or color. Sexy is a state of mind and in the year since I took that photo I’ve often thought back to that shoot and grinned with pride and what I was brave enough to do in my last year as a 40something.

Today — at 50 — I think I might look better than I ever have.