If I had to assemble a Sex Blogger Algonquin Roundtable, Jill Hamilton would be at the top of my list. Her debauched ninja wit slices through bullshit like the voice of a happier Dorothy Parker. If you haven’t read her musings on real women sex, you must do so post-haste at In Bed With Married Women. Jill, when are we meeting for a round of Manhattans?
I am 49 years old and I have never felt hotter. Never. Hotter.
And I’m not just saying that to dull the pain of some Horrible Truth like when people tell you men only care about a woman’s inner beauty or that if you just breathe in a jaunty, can-do manner during childbirth, it won’t hurt.
When you’re older, sex is just…better. Way better. You notice more, you feel more, you just enjoy it more. In the post, In Search of the Elusive Third Type of Orgasm, dear reader Anonymous had this theory about it:
As we get older, we are less concerned about how we look when screamin’, whoopin’, full-heartedly enjoying mind-blowing sex.
True. Plus once you hit 40, you get a delightfully useful “Fuck it” attitude that makes life much more enjoyable. Things you don’t want to do? Don’t do them! Fuck it! Boring people in your life? Don’t talk to them! Only deal with people who enchant and entertain you. (And if you don’t agree, piss off! I’ve got no time for you!)
Not only do I feel way hotter than my 20 year old self, I think I probably am, in some sort of observable, measurable manner, actually more smokin’ hot. But in lieu of a complex and probably cost-prohibitive science experiment involving a time travel machine, a startled (and most likely drunken) version of my 1980s self, and an intrepid team of embarrassed/aroused scientists in lab coats calculating orgasm response times, we will have to test my hypothesis with empirical evidence. That is, observation and experience.
Exhibit A, Experience: A 43-year-old friend of mine recently bought a sex toy (it was something like this, with an inner dildo-y part, plus so-called “rabbit ears” for outer stimulation) and quickly discovered that she could have G-spot orgasms. She had never known this about herself. For 40-fucking-3 years! This information can be nothing but good, I say. Nothing but good!
Exhibit B, Observation: Here I will have to go with Benjamin Franklin, favorite of old broads everywhere. Franklin was not a looker, but he had a good brain which is 10 times hotter and was thus quite popular with the ladies. Here in his (once banned!) Old Mistresses Apologue, he advises a friend on why older women are clearly better Amours.
I repeat my former advice, that in all your amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox and demand my reasons. They are these:
1. Because as they have more knowledge of the world, and their minds are better stor’d with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreeable.
2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do 1000 services both small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.
3. Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc’d may be attended with much Inconvenience.
4. Because thro’ more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting and Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate people might be inclin’d to excuse and old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.
5. Because in every animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: the face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is Below the Girdle, it is impossible of two women to know and old from a young one. And as in the dark all cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.
6. Because the Sin is less. The debauching of a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make for Life unhappy.
7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections, none of which can attend the making an old woman happy.
8thly and Lastly They are so grateful!
Franklin wasn’t alone in his love of experienced older women. Men throughout history have come to the same conclusion. In this article in The Smoking Jacket, writer Chris Lathrop credits Franklin’s letter and its “centuries-ahead-of-time awareness of something that’s become common knowledge among modern men and anyone who watches Sex And The City or Desperate Housewives: older women fucking rule.”
The Roman poet Ovid also noted that older women fucking rule, albeit more eloquently, in The Art of Love — Ars Amatoria, a sort of instruction manual on love:
They are well versed in all the mysteries and attitudes of Love, and are thereby able to enhance your pleasure…Their appetites do not need to be provoked by wearisome titillations and they will share their pleasures with you equally…Dutiful embraces repel me, for nothing can be more pleasing to the ear of a lover than a trembling voice of the beloved when she whispers ecstatically of her joy. What can compare to my happiness when my fair one pleads with me to prolong her rapture? Naught can be sweeter than my beloved, inebriate with ecstasy, holding me at arm’s length and pleading with swimming eyes that I slacken my pace.
So what do you think of all this? Men, do you agree? Have you known the pleasures of an older women? Women, are you feeling sassier these days? Is your body more responsive? Less so? And does anyone else besides me wish that they were gazing upon the face of their beloved “inebriate with ecstasy” instead of sitting here at the fucking computer?
Jill Hamilton writes In Bed With Married Women, a blog about sex in all its boring, strange, funny, smokin’ hot glory. Her work has appeared in Salon, AlterNet, Rolling Stone, Entertainment Weekly, Jezebel, Mad, Games and The Los Angeles Times.