Having sex with Sam has changed my life. It’s not just the sex that’s changed me. It’s the experience of loving the man I’m having sex with that has completely, irrevocably rocked my world.
A few months ago, I felt myself wanting more than the casual sexual relationships I’d been enjoying since my marriage ended. It was a gradual evolution, and as 2014 neared a close, I set my intention to be ready for someone I could build a life with.
Around the time that intention crystallized, I got an e-mail from a family friend I hadn’t seen in 25 years. Our fathers, both deceased, had been close friends. Sam’s dad gave me my first job in Los Angeles when I moved out from the east coast. And my dad became Sam’s mentor and surrogate father when he went to college in the university town where I grew up. Sam is five years younger, so I never considered him as a potential love interest. The last time I saw him was about 25 years ago at his family’s Thanksgiving dinner, when I sat across the table from this exuberant, scary-smart, baby-faced kid spouting off about Heidegger and The Iliad.
My father kept me up to date about Sam over the years, as he wound his way through a PhD program, law school, and to one of the country’s most prestigious law firms. Once, Dad mentioned that Sam had moved back to L.A. and would love to hear from me. I was married and had just had my oldest child, so I didn’t really understand why my father had called to tell me that. In hindsight, I think he knew I had married the wrong person and was hoping I might somehow find my way out of that marriage.
Two years ago, I did. The last thing I wanted was a serious relationship and after almost 20 years of being miserably married, I doubted my own capacity to love. So casual dating was a safe bet. I could have fun without having to feel vulnerable. Maybe this was all I needed, and all I had to give.
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One of the things I love about writing is that it helps me figure out what I think, and what I believe. I realized through writing this blog that one of the biggest problems in my marriage had been me: tightly-wound, with a moat of self-protection encircling me, keeping everyone at a safe distance. The challenges of post-divorce life broke me open, however, and at 52, I morphed into someone I actually wanted to spend time with.
When Sam’s e-mail showed up in my inbox two weeks before Christmas, 25 years melted away. I was stunned to find out he’d always had a crush on me and had wanted to contact me over the years, and touched when I realized he was now courting me via e-mail: we corresponded several times a day, then spoke on the phone, finally meeting in person just after the holiday. The moment I walked into his home, everything about Sam felt right and familiar: the sound of his voice, the smell of his skin, his brand of relentless dry humor. And his kindness. Sam is brilliant, Sam is handsome, but at his core, Sam is kind.
I was already in love with Sam the first time we had sex, and it terrified me. The woman who checked “Super Confident” as the answer to the OkCupid question about sex was suddenly no longer super confident. I was great at sport-fucking, but sex in the context of love was not something I understood. Unlike my casual relationships, which started off turbo-charged and then fell away after my partners and I invariably realized sex was the only reason we were together, my sex life with Sam has had a completely different trajectory. Despite our profound erotic attraction, sex was slightly awkward the first few times. But as the awkwardness subsided, sex has gotten better — I think, because it isn’t casual.
Sometimes, I don’t recognize myself with Sam. A formerly proud proponent of sleeping alone, even after sex, I now find it agonizing on the nights when he and I are apart, and I don’t get to fall asleep with my back pressed against his chest. Previously a cool character cultivating my independence, I would go so far as to say I’m a doting girlfriend, and am never so happy as when I’m making him happy. Sam wants to move to New England when he retires, and although I swore I’d never again spend another winter in the northeast, I promised I’d go with him. My whole life, I’d felt restless, and searching. But with Sam, I feel like I’ve come home.
One of the biggest questions I asked myself when my marriage ended, was whether or not monogamy suited me. Only now that I’ve reconnected with Sam do I have the answer.
It does.
Congratulations!!! Thrilled for you.
Thanks, Walker — I wasn’t sure it would ever happen. I’m a lucky woman.
Hot.
A lovely story!
WOW! What a journey! I wonder if at some level you knew where your destination would be? Your story is an inspiration for those of us, men included, that want to make the second halves of our lives truly matter.
Congratulations!
Hi Eric — the whole thing does feel a bit predestined. And, yes, it’s never too late.
Thank you for sharing your story, and congratulations! I’ve had much the same experience after my 20 year marriage ended almost two years ago. I’ve played, had fun, met some great guys, and learned what I had been missing all those years after getting married very young and without knowing who I really was, or what I needed. I was dedicated to keeping my options open, and would not have expected to find myself in a relationship with a man who came into my life at exactly the right time and place, and who makes my life amazing both in and out of the bedroom. Sex is definitely the most fun ever, but add in love and it takes everything to the next level. Now I just have to figure out how to move my life to LA (or get my guy to move to New England…this is not the best winter to try to convince someone who is an LA native to make that move!).
Wow! And it seems like it was only last year that monogamy was not for you. Glad that you want what you have, and have what you want.
Don’t give up writing, though, and keep pitching for sex for older folks!
I won’t!
This is beautifully sentimental and sweet
Thank you for the honest way you reveal yourself here. It was a timely post for me to see, today. I’m the poster girl for female independence and I thought I’d constructed a perfect poly arrangement. But I have moments of doubt as my primary relationship’s deepening has made me lose interest in others Sometimes being in love turns what you think your core values are on their heads. But…. Im still struggling with how much social constructs are a factor here. Meaning… Are we wired to think of monogamy as something we should feel when we are in love and therefore start to crave it as our level of committment deepens?
No question that monogamy is the dominant paradigm and many people try to make that work for them without stopping to consider if it’s a paradigm that fits. I think the key is really listening to how you feel. It’s pretty hard for a social construct to make you crave only one person.
This brought tears to my eyes. I see so much of myself in who you were a year or two ago–just free of a stifling marriage and exploring who I am and what I want through casual relationships. But I do know that’s not what I want forever, even though I’m desperately afraid of commitment and vulnerability now. Knowing that you have found happiness gives me hope that I will someday as well.
I’m so happy my story gives you hope! In some ways I think it’s more likely to find love when you’re older if you’ve worked on yourself and like who you are.
I’m so happy for you but I just hope he is good enough for you.
Yes . Happened to me, too. If you fall in love with someone who you know well for years,it is like the last piece of the puzzle fitting in. My partner, an old friend, also surprisingly admitted to a long term crush on me. I never knew.I was petrified before the first sex. But he melted me. ..The last piece of the puzzle falling into place.
Thanks for sharing! I’m reading David Schnarch’s “The Passionate Marriage” to see how to fuse love and intimacy and hot sex.Wishing you luck and thanks for sharing your journey Erica!!!
Lemme know if you make it through. That book was better than Xanax for me, but an interesting concept…
That’s awesome, Erica! Congratulations!! The sex is better with that bond.
It is indeed.
Erica – I’m so happy for you.
I’ve been in both poly and monogamous relationships.
Poly is fun and is great and can be the best thing for some people.
But as you know, I have learned in my current (2nd) marriage that monogamy can be the best thing for some people. too.
A lot of people write about the importance of poly these days and I get that and want them to continue.
But really, I don’t see why there has to be an anti-monogamy campaign at the same time.
For me, it is an erotic event to be owned entirely and completely by my husband. To literally not want anyone else to touch me, ever. To have handed him the keys to my kingdom and know I will never, ever be sorry about that decision.
I’m glad you are feeling it, too!